Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
