a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
