Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
