Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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