I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
