You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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