Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
