I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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