you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
