On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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