Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
