Michael Bay diarrhea
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
