I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
