Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
