i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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