Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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