i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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