you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
His hands were made for my vagina.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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