My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I met the friendliest cop last night
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
