My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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