don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
