Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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