I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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