I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
