I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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