my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
