If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
