dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize