Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
