I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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