Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who died my cat blue again?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
