I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
