i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
