I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
