you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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