It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
