I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
