i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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