Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize