she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
