Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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