She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
