i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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