I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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