I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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