Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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