My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
