I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
