So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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