No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
