just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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