Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
