dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
