Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
