you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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