the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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