Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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