gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
