I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And then my night got REAL pukey
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
