Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
