I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
