I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
